In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
SOME RANDOM FACTS
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray
blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at
least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting
from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute
for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up
in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called
aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens
every year.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Announcement in a church bulletins:
The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - up Yours."
FROM STEVEN WRIGHT
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
He who laughs last.... thinks slowest!!
When two egotists meet it's an I for an I.
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Newspaper Headlines:
2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
These are real live websites with a different twist than expected!!
www.penisland.net
It's actually a site selling pens!
www.whorepresents.com
Politics, not gifts for hookers!
www.therapistfinder.com
No, its not golden pages for sex offenders.
www.expertsexchange.com
You may get advice you didn't expect!
Instructions on a stick deodorant:
"Remove cap and push up bottom"
Direction sign in an English hospital:
"Family planning advice. Use rear entrance"
These are real live instructions given with different appliances!!
On a hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping"
On a bar of soap "Use like regular soap"
On packaged bread pudding "Will be hot after heating"
On Sleep Aid "Warning: May cause drowsiness"