How To Get Hired At Walmart

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Traffic Violations

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit, when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again–even more slowly. Another flash! He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

“This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought. He planned to mention the problem to his supervisor when he got to work, but forgot.

A few weeks later, he received the violations in the mail and discovered he had three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!!!

Keep the singing down, OK?

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping?”

Types of Humour

Different Types of Verbal & Written Humor

Developing Original Humor for Your Talk

Most humor in the real-world setting is unplanned. It just happens.

Dead Man Alive

A Nigerian man who makes caskets was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when his car broke down. Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on is head and began heading to his destination.

Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some money off him (bribe), so they challenge him: "Hey!!! What are you carrying and where are you going?!"

The man said, "I do not like where I was buried, so I am relocating".

The policemen ran for their lives.

Revolutionary church dance

The priest has gone crazy!!!

Revenge of wealthy man

A wealthy Chicago businessman goes to Vegas and loses all but three dollars. He comes out of the casino and waves a taxi over. How much is a ride to the airport?" The driver replies that it is $5. "Come on I only have $3, but I'll pay you $10 when I get home by mailing you a check."" said the man. "No way" replies the Driver and throws him out of the car.

Two years later the man comes back and goes to the same casino. This time he wins money. As he exits the casino, he sees a long line of Taxi drivers and at the end is his enemy from two years ago.

Seeing this, the man decides to get his revenge. He goes up to the first Taxi and says: "hey will you give me a blowjob?" the taxi driver says: "no you freak, get out of my car!"

The man then goes on to the next car and says: "hey will you give me a blowjob?" the taxi driver says: "no you maniac, get out of my car!" The man continues to do this all down the line until he reaches the last taxi, and sees his enemy.

The man asks: "how much for a ride to the airport?" Not recognising him the driver replies: "$5" "Okay." says the man and he gets in. Then as he passes the line of other taxis, he sticks his hands out the window and gives them all a big thumbs up.

ATM

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:


MALE PROCEDURE


1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Bloopers

In a London department store:

Funny One-liners

• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

• I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

• Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

• I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.

• Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.

• A life... cool.. where can I download one of those?

• Judge me by my deeds, though they are few, rather than my words, though they are many.

• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

• Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

• Everyone wants to go to Heaven, yet no one wants to die.

• I am not single cuz no body likes me, um single cuz i enjoy choices 

• Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

• I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

• Don't judge a book by its movie.

• Maths and alcohol don't mix. Please don't drink and derive.

• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

• Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

• Sports: 44,999 Runners Lose NYC Marathon 

• Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterward

• Today's the day to change your life! Seize the moment! Be amazing! Actually, probably best to wait till Monday as it's nearly the weekend.